So You Want to Become an Oil Painter? Well Come On In . . . Let Us Help Get You Started!

Welcome! Pull up a chair, pour a cup of coffee, and settle in. This post might get long, and will be picture heavy, but after years of buying art supplies and setting up a working studio on a barely-working budget, we can help you set up your own little oil painting studio in any available corner of your home without needing a second mortgage, or  breaking your bank. All you need is to keep on reading, some patience, a friend or partner to take shopping, and maybe a pen & paper for some list-making. Oh and if you used the last scoop of coffee this morning? Save your coffee can or tub. You'll need it!

Every thing highlighted & bolded in this post is something you need to buy or can go on your list of "items needed".

Some of this post is going to refer to Bob Ross, and his painting style, as the people specifically requesting this blog post from me also specifically want to try the Bob Ross style of painting. And they also specifically dont want to spend the hundreds of dollars needed to buy Bob Ross's line of paints and supplies. Good news! I can help!

Let's start with the basics. . . . these are the things you do actually need in order to be an oil painter.


CANVASES
First of all you're going to need some canvases, and the very best place to buy pre-primed canvases is Michaels Arts & Crafts store. They have nice packs of five canvases 18x24 for $20. 18x24 is the typical size of a Bob Ross painting.  Using their weekly 50% off one regular-priced item coupon (go to michaels.com on your smartphone, put in your zip code, the weekly deals will show up as well as the coupon. You don't even need to print it, they can scan the coupon right from your phone!), you will only pay approximately $10 plus your local sales tax. Not bad! You can buy smaller sizes too, same price and more quantity. Now as we go on with our list, you'll see why you need a friend or partner at Michaels. They can help by purchasing extra items you need with the 50% off coupon, too! See? We're already saving you money! 

Examine your canvases when you get home. It's common for one to be flawed because people aren't really gentle with them. And unless it's completely destroyed and then you need to take the whole set back: use it for practice. ESPECIALLY if you are doing a Bob Ross. Because you know what? Painting with a palette knife is not as easy as it looks, and having a practice canvas will save you a lot of frustration if you palette knife a mountain, or a wave, or a cabin, on the practice canvas first -- before you hit your working canvas.

BRUSHES
Next, you are going to need brushes, but how many brushes, and, what kind, and where do I buy them? Well, here's where the patience and the friends come in (again). You can check for sales at Michaels and Hobby Lobby. I understand some people won't shop at Hobby Lobby, and that's your prerogative. I am just going to tell you that their individual brushes are on sale at 40-50% off quite often, and they carry Master's Touch brand, which I rather like using. They have a MUCH LARGER selection of brushes than Michaels. They've also seemed to grab the corner market on Bob Ross products away from Michaels. I've never used his brushes, so I can't comment, but lately have wondered about his "blending brush" since everyone (but one little tiny guy) I have bought: sheds. And there is NOTHING more annoying than putting time and effort into an oil painting only to blend your paint and see a trail of hair behind your blending brush.



If you are attempting a Bob Ross style painting and want the big 2" and 1" brushes? Guess what? Bob Ross' brushes are a lot like the brushes you can buy at the hardware store! The price difference is amazing, and do yourself a favor -- spend the extra few bucks at ACE Hardware to buy the natural brustle brushes. Go with a good brand like Shur-Line. They work the same and are about 1/4 the cost! HOWEVER, they are not so great for blending. You might want to use a smaller bristled brush for blending. It may take longer if the brush is small, but it's worth the time. These bigger brushes just make a mess and can even muddy up or groove your paint. That's not good.

My brushes here are "angled" but you really want the flat, or straight brushes.

For the other brushes, we need to talk a bit more. For one, you should try for patience in order to catch them on sale. Or do the bring-a-friend thing to either Hobby Lobby or Michaels and buy them with the coupon. MOST arts n craft stores will tell you what the brushes are used for in their signage. When we're talking about oil painting, you want a firm bristled brush. Oil paint is heavy. Oil paint needs a firm bristle to apply. And in order not to waste money and drive yourself crazy in frustration, pull on the bristles a little bit. Do they stay in the brush? Good. Do they pull out with a gentle tug? Bad. Put it back. You don't need the brush made from the nose hairs of a hippopotamus to have a good brush. You do need one that has enough strength to apply oils, and blend oils, and be dunked in paint thinner and beat out numerous times! If the bristles bend easily with the slightest touch and feel really soft? Those are watercolor brushes and won't work. You'll be applying oil paint with the stick part of the brush!

Also, do yourself a favor now, and hear me well: DO NOT BUY THE MULTI-PACK OF CHEAP BRUSHES!! you will be so sorry. They are rarely good and I do mean RARELY. The only good pack of brushes we bought was a set of small liner brushes. They have black handles and a knife-type, blending end. I believe we found them at Hobby Lobby and so if you see those? Fine, go for it (you know the tiny blender I was talking about above? It was in this set!)! But other-wise, unless you are buying a reputable brand, forget it! Even reputable brands put their cheapest, shedding, lame ass brushes in multi-packs. So just walk on by that part of the aisle.

So let's talk about your brush list. You should probably have at least one of each to start:

Flat Brush: you know where to get those! You can buy Bob Ross brand or you can go to Ace for the big guys. But it's a good idea to have some flats in smaller sizes, too. Grab a 1/2" flat to add to your set. I also have some nice artist brand bigger brushes in 1-2 inches. When painting trees and clouds and such, having a variety of brushes means a variety of textures and looks on your canvas.

Small flat

Large flat

Filbert: These are rounded at the tip of the brush. Bob Ross has referred to them as a "Curved" brush on his Joy of Painting show, and being nosey, I went to go see if maybe there was a crimp in the bristle holder to make it truly "curved". Nope, it was just a filbert. I like my 1/4" and 1/2" filberts, and I use those a lot. Especially when painting faces as they are marvelous blenders. I recently bought some large filberts (on sale!) and have yet to use them, but am doing a landscape here soon that I plan to give these large filberts a try. So maybe start with a 1/4-1/2" filbert and see how you like it. Or size 2-4 if you're BR'ing it.  He also uses these to make rocks in rivers, etc. During the time of writing this blog, I used my big filberts. The smaller of the two shed like crazy and is completely useless! See what I get for not pulling on the bristles?

Filbert

Angled: Also called "Angled Shader" I use these A LOT in my oil paintings. For some reason I can better paint a straight line with a consistent paint flow using angled brushes. I don't know why, but they work for me. Start with just one -- again pick a 1/4-1/2" and see if you need to use it. If you get frustrated with a flat brush, pick up an angled. You might be like me and just need a different shape than straight and flat. 

Angled

Round: These are the brushes you picture in your head when you picture and artist at an easel with a classic round brush in his hand. Naturally rounds come in every size, and bristle length. I have a very large round that I LOVE (makes some amaze-balls clouds) by Windsor & Newton in size 12. It does some amazing round or bulbous style trees, too! I have small round brushes. I have medium. I think I've made it a personal goal to own every size. But basically all you need is one large round anywhere from size 9-12, a medium round in 4-6 and a small in size 1-2.  This is another one you need to watch closely and touch to make sure you are buying OIL brushes. They can be very soft as they are the most used brush in watercolor. So be sure it has a nice, stiff bristle.

Round Brushes

Fan: Oh the good ole fan brush! There is no cooler brush in the artists set than the fan! It does the neatest of tricks and the greatest of applications of paint! I can't sing it's praises enough!~ So what do you need? 3 of them. One small fan brush -- I use a number 10/0. A Medium in size 1. and larges in 3 and 4. Pick one, or buy both! But buy the fans! You'll thank me.

Fan brushes, all sizes. The one on the far right is watercolor.

Liner: You really only need one or two of these, and the bristles should be anywhere from 1/4" in length to 3/4". They should be very tightly spaced, firm enough to handle oil, but pliable enough to twist and turn on the canvas. Start with a smaller liner and use it like you would a pencil.

Liners. The black handled brushes are the only set that was worth it.

Sea Sponges: Both Michaels and Hobby Lobby have three packs of sea sponges that all have different textures on their surface for some seriously great effects. They can be a bitch to clean though, and as they soak up a lot of paint, they also soak up a lot of paint thinner. Do that, squeeze out what you can and then rinse rinse rinse.

Blenders: This is basically and soft, round or flat brush that you can very gently wisp over the top of oil plaint in order to blend it, or to make fog or mist appear in a landscape, etc. The large bursh here I bought on a clearance table at Michaels as it had been opened. I paid about $3, and I use it as a duster. Any blank canvas, or drying canvas that has been sitting for some time in my office could use a good dusting before a varnish. Also nicely wisps away eraser debris. 

Blenders and Dusters

Sponge applicators: I typically buy a variety pack of these for $1-2 and use them to apply Gesso to canvas. Be sure to rinse them well and immediately after application as Gesso dries uber fast and will ruin not only these, but all your brushes. 



PALETTE KNIVES

Yes, you need at least one. Why? Because you need to not only mix your paints, but if doing a Bob Ross, you're more than likely going to need one to apply paint to your canvas! DO NOT BUY PLASTIC PALETTE KNIVES! Those are not useful in oil. You need the nice, thin and "sharp" metal knives for a perfect blend and application. I use the rounded tip to blend, and also to pick up leftover paint from my palette and place in storage containers for future use (I told you we're frugal!). The flat-edged palette knife you see BR use on his show is just fine. If you plan on saving paint, get the rounded-edge, thin one too. Great news: they're cheap! They're only $2-3/piece! You'll find them near the brushes and paint supplies.

PAINT THINNER/CLEANER

One thing you must absolutely have on hand when beginning or ending any oil painting: odorless paint thinner. And not a teeny tiny bottle, either. Because not only do you need it to clean your brushes IMMEDIATELY after using them, it serves to clean up mistakes on the canvas (apply some to a paper towel, and wipe across the canvas to pick up paint mistakes), cleans up oil paint messes elsewhere (like clothes, and your studio stool, and hard floor -- but be sure to rinse the floors well after using mineral spirits on them!), cleans up your palette, and is needed to thin paint for the liner brush and is an ingredient in OIL PAINT MEDIUM. I use SpeedBall Mona Lisa odorless paint thinner. The really large 128fl oz. was $20 at Michaels. And with my coupon: $10 holla! They have a smaller tub, and it's only about $10. But trust me, buy a decent amount of it. There is nothing worse than running out in the middle of the painting -- because you have to stop and go buy more. I don't suggest turpentine, no matter how much money it saves at the hardware store. The smell is over-powering and headache-inducing. Just use the coupon and go odorless. You'll thank me.


PALETTES & EASLES
Ebay! Ebay! Ebay! Did I mention EBAY? I use small wooden palettes that I buy . . . well duh, on ebay! I pay less than $2.00 a palette and free shipping! You may like a larger palette like BR uses (his is plexi glass or acrylic, I believe). You can even use a smooth edged piece of glass (some people really like these as they come very clean with paint thinner. You can use a cheap thin foil pie tin (which I do use as my Gesso palette). Heck, you don't even have to buy a palette! You can use a piece of cardboard or a thin piece of wood! If you DO buy wooden palettes (I keep two on hand at all times. Because I do paintings of people, I use one as a flesh palette, which is very involved and can be up to 14 different shades of the same colors) be sure you spray it with varnish finish and let it dry before you use it. It keeps the staining to a minimum and makes it easier to scrape clean with a palette knife and then paper towel with paint thinner. It won't look new as oil paints do stain, but it will keep your mess to a minimum. Also, don't let your paint dry on your palette if you plan to reuse it. It will not come off.   

A couple of my palettes and some painter's masking tape.

A foladble table-top easel with a drawer & handle.

Easels don't have to be expensive. You can buy a very nice easel for less thna $30. I have a portable easel that rarely moves, but the fact that it folds up into a nice handy handled package is conveient. Especially when Spring hits and I want to paint outside. One thing I do recommend is buying an easel with a drawer or shelf to hold your brushes, pallets and paints. Not having that table area nearby is a real hassel, so do buy one with a drawer or shelf. You can use your Michaels or Hobby Lobby coupon, or you can check ebay and Amazon. There's some really ncie easels out there at a very affordable price. I even have a small table-top easel for painting on and storing small paintings. 


OIL PAINT
"From the moment you buy your first tube of paint, you also buy your artistic license, you are now an artist." -- Bob Ross

There is such a wide array of oil paints to choose from, where do you even start? Well, you don't start with those cheap multi-packs for $20. You also don't want to go for the cheap-O, student quality oils, either. Why? Because those are made to be used, seen, then tossed. You're not going through all the hassle and expense of doing your first few oil paintings just to throw them away! But you don't have to spend a fortune on the world's finest oil paints, either. What you want is a nice, happy medium "studio" grade of paint. Paint with beautiful, traditional and vibrant color, made with a nice oil vehicle that doesn't crack or yellow as it dries, and a good consistency for smooth application to the canvas. The typical paints sold in craft stores is Windsor & Newton or Grumbacher. I'm not a huge fan. In fact I only use those paints if I need a paint color NOW and can't wait for delivery. . . so I am going to link you and show you some of the best paints for a novice, straight on through to a professional, studio-class of affordable paint. But first, let's talk a little bit about oil paint. . . because what I am sharing is stuff you need to know, or are eventually going to ask.

Q: Why are some paints way more expensive than others, yet in the same sized tube, and made by the same company?

A: The ingredients that produce the color are more expensive a "source" than others. The biggest example you'll find is in the Cadmiums. Cadmium yellow, orange, red, etc are all double the price of regular paint because cadmium, besides being toxic, is expensive. Yep, it's the same cadmium in batteries. Is it worth the extra money? Yes, typically it is. Especially when you first start out. You want the REAL color, and from there you can work within the different "hues" to find a close second to the original and is pleasing to you and your paintings.

Q: Why is Cadmium Yellow HUE less expensive than regular Cadmium Yellow? And what is a hue, anyway?

A: Hues are essentially trying to be the exact same color as the original, but using different, more common, and less expensive ingredients in order to produce the color. You'll notice with time and experience that the different oil paint companies have quite an array of "hues" that vary greatly from the original color they are trying to duplicate. While M Graham has the very best Cadmium Yellow in existence (in my opinion), Windsor & Newton has the worst Cadmium Yellow HUE in existence (again, in my opinion). So hue doesn't mean a "shade" of the color you want, it means it's trying to replicate, to the very best of it's ability, to be the color you want.

Q: What is the very best paint, should I decide after a couple of paintings and I find I am truly enjoying oil painting, that I might be willing to invest more money in my paint?

A: M Graham. There's a genuine and general consensus amongst oil painters that talk about it on the web: M Graham is the best. I have a few tubes of the stuff and I LOVE it. What makes it special? Instead of the typical Linseed oil vehicle, M Graham has walnut oil. I cannot even begin to explain how lovely and thick-yet-spreadable M Graham is. AND it adds unbelievable texture to paintings.

Q: I don't want to invest in expensive oils just yet, in case I find I don't much care for it. What is a good oil paint for a beginner and yet remains true to color and has a nice consistency?

A: I use Lukas Studio Oil Paint and find the colors to be spot-on, even in the hues, except one should order Cadmium Yellow LIGHT hue if ordering from Lukas. They're a German company and only sell to US customers via Jerrysartorama.com. You absolutely cannot beat the price for the quality! Most of the 37ml tubes are only around $5.

Q: Just how much oil paint does an oil painting take? What size tubes does oil paint come in? And what should I order when just starting out, before I know if I really take to the art?

A: Oil paint comes in mostly four sizes from smallest to largest (well largest is actually cans/tubs of the stuff, but that isn't really applicable here, so we'll stick with the three sizes of tubes): the tiny tube is 12ml, and isn't very cost effective, because even if you are doing a Bob Ross, you'll find yourself likely out of paint before you are even finished. The average, and workable size is 37ml, and provides enough paint for numerous paintings. The large tube is anywhere between 150-200ml, and is typically bought for working artists/studios. The ONLY time I would suggest a 200ml tube to a beginner is in Titanium White, as you will find yourself using quite a bit of it, especially when making your own "Liquid White", using the wet-on-wet painting method and doing a Bob Ross. 


Q: Great, I am ready to order, what's the most basic and simple list of oil paints I can order to really produce an array of colors via mixing. . . and/or what is the most common paint colors Bob Ross uses?

A: Grab a pen! I am going to list the paint colors Bob Ross uses first -- since those asking for this blog want/need them. Then I am going add a few more colors that I use often in painting, and are a good choice to have in your paint box!  

Bob Ross' Palette:

Titanium White

Phtahlo Green

Phtahlo Blue

Prussian Blue

Midnight (or "Lamp" Black) Black (Midnight Black is a more transparent black, but I believe Bob Ross might be the only one selling it these days, but have a look around on the internet and see if you can find some. In the meantime, Lamp Black works just fine)

"Dark" or "Burnt" Sienna (Bob says "dark" but again, he might be the only one selling it, burnt is basically the same color)

Van Dyke Brown

Alizarin Crimson (this is one of those expensive colors. The closest "hue" I have found is in Lukas Studio, but I also have a tube of the "real stuff" in M Graham, and it is hard to beat!)

Sap Green

Cadmium Yellow (discussed above, again, the best "hue" is in Lukas Studio in Cadmium Yellow LIGHT hue)

Yellow Ochre

Indian Yellow

Bright Red (also know as Primary Red, or Carmine works well)

And that's Bob Ross' palette. Now for some additional colors I really like and use in my paintings:

Viridian -- it's a gorgeous, deep, emerald green. The kind of green of ferns and jewels. A nice addition to the pallete even when doing a Bob Ross. 

French Ultramarine -- another shade of blue, much closer to primary blue than Phthalo or Prussian, but a bit darker/bluer.

Cobalt Blue -- again, intense blue color, and I'm sure everyone knows what color "cobalt" is

Cerulean Blue: this lends it's way closer to sky blues and on the lighter side of the shade

Payne's Grey -- it's *almost* black, but has the shades of blue and grey shining through. It's a great color if you want something to be very dark and almost black, but not so stark.

Burnt and Raw Umber. If you already have Burnt Sienna and have to choose one, pick Raw Umber.

Raw Sienna -- a lighter, creamy brown.

Venetian Red -- is almost the color of blood, but can also be the color of roof tiles and all things clay pottery

Rose Madder or Permanent Rose -- it's a very hard color to mix from reds. Adding white makes a lovely pink

Magenta -- a deep pink-purple-red. Again, it's primary and as such it's very difficult to "mix"

Violet -- a true purple

Lemon Yellow -- an extra bright yellow

Cadmium Red Light -- it's an orangey-color and makes beautiful and bright oranges when mixed with birght yellows like the Cadmiums or lemon yellows. It's also a great color to have on hand, along with yellow ochre, for making light and medium flesh tones.

Alright so now you have you basic paint color list? What now? Well here we go! Sign up with Jerry's Art O Rama and receive their coupon codes in the mail -- and typically an introductory 25% off coupon! You can also try Dick Blick .com. I have found Dick Blick and Jerry's pretty much keep in tune with each other as for prices, as they are each other's competitor. While Blick doesn't have Lukas Studio, they do have M Graham and are also worth checking coupons for! Richeson Oils is also looking to be a promising oil paint brand and s cuyrrently on sale at Jerry's!

Lukas Studio: http://www.jerrysartarama.com/discount-art-supplies/oil-color-paints-and-mediums/lukas-oil-colors-and-mediums/lukas-studio-oil-colors.htm

M Graham: http://search.jerrysartarama.com/search/Brand-M_Graham_%26amp%3B_Co.--Size-37ml--keywords-m_graham

http://www.dickblick.com/products/m-graham-artists-oil-colors/

And whom do we order what from? Well I pretty much went this way: the "expensive oils" like Cadmium Yellow and Alizirin Crimson I splurged, and with a coupon -- bought the M Graham. I even bought an Umber and a Sienna. Where I wanted bright, beautiful and authentic color with gorgeous reliable texture, I paid a few dollars more. With the more basic and easily made paint, I went with Lukas, like Yellow Ochre and Titanium White and Carmine. And I even bought a few big tubes of Windsor & Newton because they were on sale at Michaels, and you just can't beat 40% off!

My paint box!

Now that we know how and where to buy the oil paints, what do you store them in? Well I would say a regular old shoe box, BUT, oil paints like to leak OIL, and carboard likes to spread oil and then leech into whatever it's sitting on. You can buy a fancy, cloth-lined and handled box like mine when it's on sale ($10) or just buy one of those rubbermade handled bins and maybe line the bottom with a paper towel. Entirely up to you. Go free with a shoe box and mind where you set it, if you want. The only thing you need to be careful of is that oil paint is flammable, and acts funny if it gets too hot or cold. So don't store it in the attic or in the basement or even in the garage. Try to keep it nice and cozy at room temp, and no where near a heat source or open flame!

Not Quite 50 Thoughts on Fifty Shades of Gray (and why it's important for women, and in-turn, also great for men)

Pour yourself a glass of wine, or pop an ice cold beer and shoo the kids away -- this post is not child-friendly. Well obviously, we're going to be talking about Fifty Shades of Grey and everyone knows that means: S-E-X. Dirty, kinky, S-E-X.  And as usual, I'll probably use filthy language.

Earlier today, as I was perusing my facebook feed, I noticed a gentleman acquaintance had some pretty strong criticisms of FSG, and he was recommending people see a movie called "Secretary" instead. His criticisms were based around the "unbelievable and abusive/sick character of Christian Grey", and how he's not a real "Dominant". That the FSG enterprise is actually dangerous because it doesn't depict a "real" Dominant/Submissive relationship and that people (read: women) could get hurt by not understanding the proper rules and somehow finding themselves in relationships with abusive men that read the book or see the movie and want to take advantage of a woman's desires; that E.L. James clearly had no real working knowledge of a BDSM relationship and therefor her books should not be consulted by people seeking out such a relationship.
 
Like usual, I had something to say. . .

I wrote out a few paragraphs explaining why Fifty Shades of Grey was written in the first place, and how the resulting effect on thousands of women is a positive for womankind, no matter how "badly" the book reads. But when I went to click "post" I was informed he had deleted his original post. I don't know why he deleted it, but I had all this great stuff I'd said and no where to put it! I shared it with a good friend over private messaging and she asked me to blog it. . .  oh look! I do have somewhere to put it! Got your cocktail? You ready? 

You may or may not have heard that Fifty Shades of Grey was a Twilight fanfiction before it became it's own mega-selling, New York Times Bestseller: monster. It's true. It was. I know, I read it when Twilight fanfic was going hot n' juicy (excuse the pun) a few years ago, and back then it was called Master of the Universe with the nickname "50 Shades". Actually, FSG is not the ONLY Edward/Bella fanfic to have been published in the adult erotic fiction genre, just the most famous of them all -- to date. 

So in my post, that's now this blog, I told him that if you're wanting be angry at anyone for FSG and even it's resulting misdirection of BDSM-scene "rules", because it was written by a lady who had no actual prior practical knowledge of said-scene? Blame Stephanie Meyer, the woman who wrote Twilight! If it wasn't for her and her build-up of teenage angsty sex hormones between two virgins, over four books and thousands of fucking pages: and their final wedding night/honeymoon with a fade-to-black scene that made more than one woman throw that ridiculous and badly-written book "Breaking Dawn" against a wall. . . there would probably be no Fifty Shades of Grey! Yes, we all know that Breaking Dawn and the Twilight Series is a Young Adult genre, but c'mon now! You can't make us read so much ridiculous drama and angst and sexual frustration and Edward telling Bella over and over and over that she has to be a good little non-slutty-girlfriend and actually marry him if she wants the peen . . . and then give us NOTHING!?! You know when the movie has actually MORE SEX than the book? You got issues. Yep, it's Stephanie Meyer's flippin' fault! So if you want to blame anyone, blame HER!

Please, Edward, for the love of GOD, PLEASE DO ME!

But something magical happened when that crazy little fade-to-black scene in Breaking Dawn occurred. Thousands of grown women actually groaned in international unison over the worst case of female blue-balls the world had ever witnessed. . .  and then, as one could and should expect --  we women know how to take care of ourselves and each other -- and so we did: 

The world of Fan Fiction EXPLODED. Creative women with a wicked way with a pen wrote stories that filled the gaps, and colored the fade-to-black scene in beautiful, glorious and rightfully perverted: TECHNICOLOR! (Do you want to know what realllllllly happened on Isle Esme? Yeah I did, too. Go here and read for yourself! (warning:graphic sex) After you finish this blog, of course.) 

And if you're not familiar with the normal flow, the ebb and tide of fanfiction, let me briefly explain: It's not the same thing as going to a book store, or clicking "place order" on your computer, and having a book, one that's been finely edited by people paid to do it, and most importantly: finished, by the time you read it. Some fanfics are called "one shots", being just one chapter. Others take on the life of their own, and become not just one book, but enough words to fill two, three or even four books.  Hence the reason the FSG is a trilogy -- she had actually written all of that, week by week, releasing it to us Twiporn lovers one chapter at a time. It's a "slow burn" (another fanfic term, meaning the plot builds up slowly, over many chapters) of reading when you commit to reading a multi-chapter fanfic.  Part of the magic of the fanfiction slow burn of self-publishing is reading the comments, and suggestions, and the guesses of plot-twists and where it's all going, the criticisms . . . it's fun, like interactive reading. Who wouldn't love to talk to an author as you're reading their book chapter by chapter?

So this magic happened . . . and grown women read Twiporn, and wrote Twiporn, in amazing numbers, and exploded the world of fan fiction all because a Mormon wrote a teenage love story with all the feels and passions and excitement that most of us experienced in adolescence . . . and then cock-blocked us all so HARD that it's basically caused a sexual revolution amongst women.

Is Christopher Grey, an extremely wealthy, control-freak, 28-year-old who owns numerous companies and is a helicopter pilot by day, and a pervy guy (that has an extremely well-equipped BDSM dungeon in his home) who makes contracts with young, brown haired beauties to be utterly submissive and available to him at anytime, especially at night, because his real mother was a brown haired beauty of a crack whore who abused him, when he was then adopted by the Cullens Greys -- a believable character?

No more believable than the gorgeous, extremely strong, extremely wealthy, Volvo-driving, control-freak, 109-year-old virgin vampire that waited to find his mate to have sex, and makes her wait until their wedding night, refuses to drink the blood of humans, calls himself a vegetarian, and was adopted by the Cullen's. Oh and did I mention he fucking sparkles in the sun? Well that is whom Christian Grey is based on. Why would anyone expect him to be "believable"?

But let's go back to the most important point I made above: it's caused a sexual revolution amongst women.

This is my copy of Twilight, pretending to be Memoir of a Shark Fucker.

Right now. Today. It's still happening.

I came to the party fashionably late. I wasn't there since the beginning like some of my friends, but I was there as Fifty Shades was being written. Twiporn has kept me company when I was lonely. Helped me find myself when I thought I was lost. Helped me realize how oppressed and suppressed I was being treated, and reminded me that life is too damn short to be miserable or have bad sex. Entertained me through a lot of sleepless nights due to physical, chronic pain. I learned more than kinks, I learned about cave paintings in France, and impressive classical music conductors that aren't Mozart or Beethoven.

There was a time I would have been mortified to admitting I was reading Twilight. Much less Twiporn! But now I have to say I am proud . . . not because I want to advertise I like reading smut -- but because I was there when this revolution was in it's own breaking dawn (pun fully intended). I was there to see it all take shape into something bigger, to see the world change, and to watch women reclaim their sexuality. With every purchase of Fifty Shades of Grey, with every purchase of Wallbanger, with L.A.'s notorious kinky sex-shop, The Pleasure Chest, no longer being in dark paint and low lighting, to bright, and positive and heavily geared towards WOMEN. I was actually stoked to see entire lines of products geared towards fans of Fifty Shades (seriously, click that). Because it confirmed to me that what I believed to be true: is actually true. There is a sexual revolution occurring. 


 

At the time I snagged this photo, The Pleasure Chest was SOLD OUT of this kit!

Because THIS part of this whole creative-explosion of unbelievable male characters with utter-nutter control issues is: GOOD. No actually, it's great. Not because any woman wants an uber-control freak of a boyfriend/husband, sparkly or not. But because a LOT of women woke up, shook off the cobwebs we've been under in our "slut-shaming rape-culture" suggesting any woman that's raped and isn't a virgin must have deserved it. And even if they were a virgin they deserved it because you know, they have boobs and dare to look attractive and stuff. That we can't talk about our sexuality if we seriously want to be considered for equal pay for equal work. Because THIS SHIT happens when a woman is even considered a likely candidate for President of the United States. . . 

The 50's called, they want their misogynistic sign back!

   
We've been told we should be ashamed, consistently and we've been hiding our sexuality for far too long. So when at first Stephanie Meyer cock-blocked us, we got together, and we created, and we talked, and we perved-the-hell-out all over each other. We laughed, we connived, we conceived of every perversion we could think of in chat rooms and message boards and blogs. We shared so much -- not just the pervy, but the sexy, and the longings and desires and needs and wants. And hurts, and abuses and neglects. We had women donating to charities to help other women and in return they received whole entire chapters and/or outtakes from their favorite Twiporn stories. Married women returned to their marital beds with renewed vigor, and sadly some of them met very unwilling partners when they got there. But I'm happy to report that most husbands were awfully damn grateful their wives drank the Twilight/Twiporn kool-aid and wanted to read MORE. And to write more. And to desire even more at home. Women strove not only to really enjoy sex again, but had the courage to look into adventurous, or downright kinky, things that they might have long-been curious about, but were too terrified to even think about doing UNTIL the whole Twiporn revolution. We talked about sex in ways women hadn't done since the 70's or 80's. That's not just GREAT, that's HUGE. And even women who didn't drink the Twilight kool-aid, and didn't turn their iPhones and Blackberries into their own personal porn-hubs and literary peepshows -- well they heard whispers at work, and in mom's groups, and saw the morning news shows -- Fifty Shades of Grey was being published, and boy-O are you ladies, you corporate women working your asses off day and night and are still not being paid the same amount as your male co-workers. You housewives. You preschool teachers. You cat-ladies and cancer patients. You amputees and Little People. You service women far from home. You ladies who never even considered reading Twilight or weren't aware that there was an entire underground world of women saying "YES!" to sex. Yes, YOU, all of you: LADIES! Are you in for a TREAT!

Are these books well written? No. That's not the POINT. So what if they're a bit off? MOST women can understand the difference between real-life and fiction. And if they're going out and adventuring, they'll soon learn the rules and know their own limits. We sure the hell don't need men to tell us what those are. 

As for men with bad intentions or creepy personalities taking advantage of the situation?  Let's face it: when isn't there at least one bad amongst the good? There will consistently be cads that take advantage of situations, no matter what the situation is. But if one sparkly vampire cock-blocker of a book caused a world-wide sexual revolution amongst women? Go ladies! Get your sexy on! And if you want to adventure into the real world of BDSM? Read some actual books about proper rules/etiquette/limits . . . Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink by Midori is a great start, especially involving emotional/trust issues one must address before involving themselves in the BDSM scene -- and I highly suggest that if you are new to the BDSM world, you DO read something more than Fifty Shades of Grey. FSG is fiction. The real scene, and the real-life emotions and trust-issues behind such play should be thoroughly explored before introducing your own heart, soul, mind and trust, least of all: your body to such play. Not to mention that of a partner you love. My friend was correct -- there are right ways and wrong ways to go about this. There is no Christian Grey out there to sweep you off your feet and chain you to a wall (I know, I'm so sorry ladies, but have you seen the official trailer for the Fifty Shades movie? SWOON!), and there is no vampire that's going to come along and sweep you into his shiny new Volvo and drive you off into the sunset where he'll sparkle all pretty for you . . . but there is a lot of ourselves to discover, to be loved, and cherished and enjoyed: and to be joyfully explored with a trusted partner.

Oh haiii you pervy ladies! You know I'd love to spank you, if only I were real . . .

Have fun with that! All of THAT! ENJOY YOURSELF!

 
And my most sincere thanks to Stephanie Meyer for inadvertently causing the revolution, and to E.L. James and all the other hard-working, fast-writing and talented ladies of fan fiction -- you fabulous pervs -- for picking up the reigns Stephanie dropped and leading all of us into a sexuality we can loudly and proudly proclaim as our own.


ADDITIONAL INFORMATION FOR THE CURIOUS:
For fun and crazy and totally perverted Twiporn fan fiction, I suggest MasenVixen and Stranger than Fiction at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5634545/1/Stranger-Than-Fiction

Anything by Savage7289 https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2229847/Savage7289 ESPECIALLY Hide and Drink -- that fanfic had me from paragraph one! I mean seriously, a vampire acting like a vampire and kidnapping the one whose blood sings to him so he can drink her blood as he pleases? Yes please! 

And this one, this fic owns me and she hasn't updated in like TWO YEARS and I would appreciate any and all help from any new "fans" to pester this poor lady to please, for the love of all things vampire and actually interesting story line: FINISH THIS STORY!! (psssst she has a twitter account, go nag her!) The writer is Emmanuelle Nathan and the story is "This Buried Life". https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2077469/Emmanuelle-Nathan

I have more, of course, so drop me a comment if you want me to suggest any you might like!

This week in KC's Hijinx and Shenanigans:

Well it's been a typical busy week around Punk Rock Farm. Especially busy for me! I am happy to say I am being inundated with orders! LOVE it! One of the most popular items people would like me to stitch them is the infamous "boobie beanie"! That's right, that fun little beanie for babies, that when the baby is turned towards mom and having a snack, looks like mom's breast being revealed. As a militant lactivist, I think these things are wonderful, and a great *in yo face!* message to all those who turn up their noses at babies eating food Mother Nature meant for them. If you know any new moms, or mommies-to-be, have a baby shower to attend or just want to show your breastfeeding support and pride: consider a Boobie Beanie <click Boobie Beanie to be taken to my etsy shop!>! My prices are awesome and any skin tone and size is available!  

One thing I discovered this week is that in the land of crochet -- crochet breaks all the laws of physics and engineering -- because something that takes one or two hours to make? Takes four times that amount to take apart! I seriously spent a good 5-6 hours last night and today ripping out a newborn hat I didn't really care for, only to turn around and spend a half hour crocheting it back into a beanie. I used that gorgeous Mochi yarn in Strawberry and Lime Rainbow variegated and had Serena make up some amazing little tiny strawberry and lime custom buttons. NOW I am happy (but my fingertips freakin' HURT), because this hat is a present for little Sheridan Brown, born yesterday to Jim and Caseta -- and my Eden has a new baby sister! Congrats to all the Brown's on their newest addition!

Welcome to the world little Sheridan! You're already in style!

Speaking of ripping . . . ZOMP those crocodile booties I am making for Trip? I am about to lose my mind! Just when I think I'm nearly done, I look back to the purple and say "oh shit! I did the body of the slipper wrong! Nooooooooooo!" Rip, rip, rip. So I paid Pippi to sit and rip purple slippers. Which was easy bidness compared to that Mochi yarn in the wee little hat above. Thank Goodness! One thing is for sure . . . I am becoming a master of crocodile booties, AND, using nice yarn makes for some gorgeous variegated colors -- check out that green slipper!

Nooooo! Say it ain't soooo!

Pip can rip!

Look at that awesome color variation! I love these slippers!

Last week at the yarn shop I ended up getting some great deals on clearance yarn. Mostly because Boucle' is freaking HARD to crochet with (I suspect knitting it would be easier, but the knitters on Ravelry say it's a pain in the ass, too) so I spent a lot of late nights this week looking for a nice pullover sweater I can make using large crochet hooks and boucle' yarn. I even ordered a book I planned to make a sweater from, and uhm, yeah, not happening. Large hooks ONLY with this stuff!

Boucle' rhymes with "you better have a large hook and a shit-ton of patience!"

Also, while at my favorite yarn shop I picked up some gorgeous Louisa Harding yarn on clearance. It's 100% cotton, and it's essentially: velvet. That's right folks! Velvet yarn! I am still trying to decide what I want to do with it. Maybe that sweater I bought the book for? Oh man, I got to go check gauges and skein requirements! 

Just look at this stuff! Isn't it divine?

 Also, picked up some Mini-Mochi, for what else? Baby crocodile booty slippers. Because, clearly I am insane and a glutton for punishment. But it's rainbow! IT'S RAINBOW!



Then I found this amazing book . . . and bought the yarn to go with two of the patterns. One, the sea turtles pattern on the cover. My mom fell in love with the pattern and I bought the whole shebang for her birthday.

And I fell in love with the Shoals scarf, and did my own color variation to go more with a Spring color scheme. It's so gorgeous and when I have free time? I am ON IT! Well once I figure out the pattern that is.

. . . and then. And then I tried to start Sea Turtles one evening to take a break from crocodile booties. And I scratched my head. And I crocheted it all wrong. Because I was following the written pattern. Speaking of frustrated? HOLY CRAZY TALK BATMAN! It made no sense. It was like trying to understand what Boomhauer is saying. You get the gist, but all detail is completely lost. So I followed the picture and I followed the Japanese-style graph pattern and it didn't match. So guess what I had to do? Riiiiiiiiiip. Then I left a scathing review on Amazon about how poorly written the patterns are despite the gorgeous designs. However, I have learned I am good at writing patterns, and I learned how to follow Japanese Crochet graph-patterns. Or I keep telling myself this when I get pissed at paying $23 for a book that has shitty and nonsensical written patterns. 

I also bought this AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING soap at the yarn shop (I don't know why it's at the yarn shop, and I didn't ask but I LOVE that it is). If the softest, nicest ingredients you could imagine met the best scents you could imagine and became a bar of soap? You'd have Zumbar. But you don't, I do. But you should get some! Because it's freakin' amazing and at some point I am going to have to put a link in here right to them on where to order, but for now, oh look at this! Click here! They even have a store locator!

Anyway -- if you have eczema or just like spoiling yourself in the shower? BUY THIS STUFF! The dragonsblood and sandalwood & citrus smell like heaven! Between this soap and my recently arrived Fleur de Narajana, and the Beautifying floral oil from Body Shop? I smell like a Santeria shop! I LOVE smelling like a Santeria shop! And the scents, being obviously essential oils -- stay with you.

The Hankster (a yarn shop hipster tattoo guy is a Hankster. You're welcome Yarn Shop Guys!) at my yarn shop swears it's great for Eczema.

In the meantime, I got some awesome photos from customers and friends in my hats this week! I LOVE seeing you in my stuff! Like seriously, all flattered and happy and proud! Keep sending them people!

Kitten in a Pinkie Pie!

Susan, my best friend in the whole world including outer space! Alpaca beanie with flower and vintage button!

Pinkie Pie beanies with custom cupcake buttons. One adult, one child size.

Speaking of Pinkie Pie Beanies!  Oh man, the original idea-maker, Kristen, well her three beanies are finally done! She asked me to hold off for a while, so I did, but now, seeing more Pinkie Pie beanies on others? She wanted hers NOW! So you got em babe, they're on their way! I'm thinking of making more masculine style beanies too, with masculine square appliques, but with the proper custom-made buttons indicating the proper ponies -- for the Bronies! Tell me fellas, would you like your own Bronie beanies to show off your mad pony-love?

Pinkie Pies and Derpy hat with custom Lemon-Poppyseed Muffin button!

At the end of tales in the land of my crochet business, Eden asked me for a pair of legwarmers. She picked out the pattern online. She asked for natural colors. She ended up with these! They're available for custom order on Etsy in any color you might like!

Pedro installed a white board in my office area for me to keep track of all my orders. Thank goodness! Sometimes, especially when all the kids are home, I tend to get sidetracked. Now that everything is in one place, I know exactly what needs to be done and where all the projects are at! I love feeling organized. Now to just clean my desk . . . . 

What a handsome farmer!

And FINALLY in other farm news: the teen girls have started softball on their high school softball team! Four hundred dollars later, we hope they have a winning season!

Pedro got a pick-up truck! Woot woot! You can't really have a farm without a pick-up truck, and now he can haul all the tractor parts he needs all around this small farm town. And chickens! Because this year? I'm raising chickens! Fresh eggs! Fresh chicken! YES PLEASE! Congrats on your new truck baby, and thank you for the numerous dump runs you made today. Spring cleaning is in the air!

And tomorrow I believe we'll be starting seeds. Have the soil, have the seeds, have numerous small little hands around for planting starters!

And that's it for this week's farm report. Hope you and yours are well and happy! Oi Oi Oi from all of us at Punk Rock Farm!

A photographer and a hooker walk into a bar . . .

No, just kidding. But a photographer and a hooker, i.e. crocheter, DID get to chatting one evening. The photographer asked the crocheter if she could make those adorable little custom creations that one might see in beautiful portraiture photography of babies. And the crocheter said she could, and a beautiful, creative relationship was formed!

The photographer, Ms. Heather Cromack of Heather Cromack Photography in New Jersey, thank you for allowing me the freedom to create and design some amazing and versatile photo-props for your business! What a blast! If you are in the New Jersey/NYC area, please contact Heather for your portraiture needs! (She has some amazing props! Ha!)

I started with a cute little pumpkin beanie. Because, well it's a PUMPKIN BEANIE!


I then made a little blue newsboy cap at Heather's request. And what's cuter than a tiny blue newsboy cap on a baby boy's head? A matching tiny diaper cover! This is the softest, most luxurious yarn, made out of bamboo fiber!

A quick internet search revealed even more cute ideas for chunky yarn crocheted into adorable baby beanies, like this double Pom Pom beanie from Hooking on Madrid's Metro blog.



And of course, what's cuter than just a double pom pom beanie? A matching tiny diaper cover!


Then I decided that the baby girls should be rightly represented, and I swear there's nothing more precious than a baby girl in a headband with a large, pretty flower! So I took this gorgeous silk, cashmere and merino wool spun in Italy and hand-painted in Chile and made a classical head band that's adjustable for size (9mos down to newborn) added a vintage button and a reversible/removable  flower. (top)



But one vintage style wouldn't do, so I also made a fun and very colorful adjustable headband with another vintage button, this time in merino wool hand dyed in the colors of "strawberry and lime rainbow"! (bottom)

Isn't it adorable how the flowers are removable and can be pinned to other hats or dresses?Or the headbands can be worn plain?

So now that I was so impressed with the cuteness of matching sets I decided the orange pumpkin hat and matching girlie hat like this one, (but is not pictured on my blog as it's not completely assembled, however it IS part of the newborn prop set) also needed a cute matching diaper cover. For this, I decided to go for a little bit more coverage as I wanted to add appliques. There were no matching patterns for what I wanted, so I wrote my own. And voila, a versatile matching bottom that can go from Spring or Summer, and from girls to boys, and then to Fall with the matching pumpkin beanie!



The front of the drawstring-adjustable diaper cover with leaf and vine applique, and the vines wipes around to the back . . .



Where there's more vines, and cute little matching buttons.



And beautiful Fall leaves can be attached to the cute little butt. . .



Or even a bright green for Summer and flowers!

And because there's more seasons and not everyone is a fan of orange, I though how cute would it be to make a different color of beanie, remove the ribbing and the pumpkin vine, add a leaf and re-title it to:


"You're My Huckleberry!"
Double crocheted from Sublime cashmere/merino/silk yarn. 


 I've had so much fun creating all these little items, and having the freedom to come up with creative ways to make props more usable across seasons and sets. I do hope to have a chance at another set of Photographer props, because the next set will have just as much creativity but not all the same patterns and colors. Thanks for looking! And again, if in NJ or NY, consider Heather Cromack for your photos!

If you are a photographer interested in adding more props to your stash, or a parent looking for the perfect little prop for your baby's first photos? Contact me at kedroc8@gmail.com!